Must try harder

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

As I contemplate my second post, I realised the main reason I have been reluctant to post before. Lack of education. I left school in 1988, a guinea pig for the new G.C.S.E regime. Against my will, I was told by my father, that going to music college or drama school was not an option, as It would never amount to anything, that I needed to be a man and earn my keep. A job was secured for me in a west end bank, and one month after leaving school was expected to start work, doing something that was seen as a respectable career by my parents.

I should mention my father, he was an alcoholic, who had not worked for many years, and was either "working away" (in prison) or being part of some dodgy petty crime or money making scheme.

As a self conscious skinny 16 yr old, unsure of his sexuality, expressing ones self was never an option, as it would result in a slap or full on verbal assault. I think that's why I don't like obnoxious loud people. And loud noises always make me want to jump out of my skin. Poor delicate little flower that I am ;)

Studying for exams was not possible, due to my dads love of playing Chas and Dave loudly into the early hours. It's funny that I had a talent for playing the piano, and was indeed bought a lovely Yamaha keyboard for christmas 1987. By February 1988 it was smashed up by my dad in a fit of something or another. I knew I was going to do badly in my exams, there was no possible way I could have done any cramming, living in a crazy environment.

I remember coming home one day to be greeted by riot police with shields, 2 police vans and 3 police guns, as my dad waved around what was thought to be a sawn off shotgun in the street (it was a rolling pin wrapped in a teatowel)

Those were the kind of events, which were not really conducive to studying.

The stress manifested itself in experiencing the most intense migraines. They were kind enough to give me a warning before the full on assault. First the room would spin and I could not focus. Then the vomiting would commence coupled with a searing pain one who has never experienced has no understanding of. And the light, the light was evil. Sometimes I wished I was blind.

My dad was a burly jailbird. So when I realised I was probably gay, I didn't want to live. Smashing my keyboard was the final straw, and the migraine tablets came in quite handy as I wanted out and I imagined they would make me drift off to a better place.

Sadly real life is not like that, it's involves charcoal, long pipes shoved down your throat, intensive care and potassium.

It wasn't going to be the first suicide attempt (there were two others)

So when suicide no longer seemed an option, no just because of the bodged attempts, but the realisation that I was loved, mostly by a wonderful mother who was a victim in all of this nightmare and struggled to bring us up during the 70's. I realised that depression was something I would have to live with. It's pretty much under control now, and most days I feel a sense of happiness (muted by anti-depressants)

I can honestly say the last few months have been truly special. I'd kind of written myself off (again) after the end of a 7 yr relationship and a year of celibacy, and then the most beautiful kind and special man has come into my life, like an angel from above, and a bolt out of the blue.

I've also been lucky enough to meet a few wonderful creative people, and am discovering wonderful stimulating people every day thanks to facebook of all places. These talented individuals deserve due care and attention, and I will dedicate more time to writing about their supreme talent, and how blessed I feel to know a few of them, and really hope they become real friends and companions...who knows!?
My brain has been fed so much candy lately, I cannot sleep at night. Reading the work of these amazing poets and authors has been a true revelation. Thank the universe for these wonderfully talented folk. The world would be ever so dreary without them.

I will post links to these wonderful people, and write of my admiration for them at a later time.

At 38 I have had my wake up call, ahh yes, the wake up call..

I'll post more on that tomorrow. I don't think anyone is reading this, as I've not given the link to anyone. But it feels kind of cathartic getting this stuff out.

As I was saying, I left school with bad exam results, so if my grammar is poor, and sentences poorly structured, please cut me some slack. I'm really not as stupid as I look (or sound).

http://ashleyryder.blogspot.com/
http://caleb-everett.blogspot.com/
http://www.youtube.com/user/Gerrypotterpoet
http://www.somethingeveryday.co.uk/
http://www.davidhoyle.info/